To You I Bestow
by ceridwen-amyed
Summary: Christian remembers Satine after she's gone. I believe the term for this is PWP - Plot Without Point :P


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Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me so, of course, I'm not making a penny from this

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Author's Note: This is something I wrote a while ago. It's sort of pointless angst but never mind :P Thanks as always to my beta reader Lisa. We're mad but we have fun, right? ;) 

The song is "To You I Bestow" by Mundy, from another great Baz film, "Romeo + Juliet"

Anyway, on with the show!

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Wait a minute now, I'll see you when I come back   
I could be sharing someone else's pillow 

I know what she was. Paid to give men pleasure, an illusion of love. But she gave me so much more. We both did. There were no secrets between us, no smoke or mirrors. Just love. Pure and simple.

I owe her so much. My dreams, my life, my stories. She was my Muse.

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And my love for you is better than diamonds   
To you everything I bestow

She was a creature of the Underworld, bright and sparkling. I always knew when she was about to arrive because I could hear her heels click-clacking up the wooden stairs. I would rush to the door and open it just as she was about to put her hand on the doorknob. She would laugh and say _how did you know?_ I would embrace her and say _I always know when you're coming_. Then she would giggle and kiss me. 

I always knew when something was wrong because I would not hear her coming up the stairs. She trod softly when she was tired or sad. It was not her nature to consider how noisy her heels would be. Even now, when I try to recall an image of her the first thing that occurs to me is the sound of her heels on the wooden floor.

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And tomorrow I'll be dancing on my own  
And I'll need a kiss for my head that's aching

We were lovers of the night. The day was bland, filled with half glances and suppressed smiles. At night we were alive in each other's arms, the world confined to one tiny room. And in the morning she would sigh and drag herself out of our bed. We would look away from each other because it was another day when we had to pretend we were nothing more than actress and writer. I hated the sun at those moments. I wanted the moon and stars because that was when we could take breath and live. 

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And I'll be a hungry dog without a bone   
Hoping my place with you's not taken

I would watch her flirt and laugh with the Duke, and slowly jealousy poisoned me. I felt devoured by those thoughts more and more with each passing day. When she was not there, I was empty. I could not write or even think. I tried hard to think only of the night, when she would be in my arms and not in the lap of a rat-faced Duke.

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Kiss me and tell me it's not broken   
Kiss me and kiss me till I'm dead   
See I'll give you the stars, from the bruised evenin' sky  
And a crown of jewels for your head now 

She knew what I was thinking and comforted me every moment we were together. We promised each other everything: eternal love (if not life), stars, moonlight. I was always slightly self-conscious of my small bohemian home and how her spark was bright amongst the dust and dirt. But she did not care and told me she didn't want me to give her diamonds as every other man did. _What can I give you?_ I asked and she replied _Hope_. _Love. Promises you intend to keep._

I promise to love you until the end of time.

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One last night in bed for a time   
Two more wishes and both are for thine 

We saw a shooting star once, and we both wished on it like children do with candles and cakes.

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What did you wish for? I asked, wrapping my arms around her.

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If I tell you, it won't come true, she replied slapping my arm mischievously. 

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You know what I wished for, I whispered.

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Yes. I suspect it was for the same thing I did.

  
_And three guesses you're the angel's child   
Four hopes that this love's not spoiled _

We were not religious. But every evening I prayed that the night would not end, or if it had to, for her to stay. To be mine until the end of time. For our love to remain the same until the stars fell from the sky. For the Duke and the rest of the world to leave us alone. Together forever. 

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And if you come back I'll take you to the garden   
We'll dance to an orchestra on the lawn 

I had so many things planned for us. I wanted to dance with her across Paris, unafraid that anybody would see us. I wanted to take her out to expensive restaurants and listen to the orchestras serenading us. I wanted us to run around Montmartre, like half-crazed teenagers, drunk on her perfume. 

The biggest plan we had was her idea. We would leave Paris and the Moulin Rouge behind us forever, travel, see the world. She wanted that. She often spoke of her dreams of sailing the world in a huge boat, cruising down the Nile, travelling across the desert on a camel. Her eyes would grow misty, and I knew she could see it all in her mind: luggage piled up against a steaming train, the scent of foreign markets and having an adventure. We were going to start saving money when Spectacular Spectacular's curtain was raised and leave as soon as we had enough for the first train out of there. 

And now it's too late. Our dream was shattered before it was ever begun. I know one day I'll go on our journey and see all the places we were supposed to together. I owe it to her. But I can't face leaving yet. This was her home, and I cannot bring myself to leave it yet. I will one day. 

But not yet. Not while I can still hear her clattering up the stairs. The ghost of her lingers on. Her make up still lies on my dresser, untouched. I occasionally tread on something sharp and realise it's a hair pin, dropped hastily on the floor in a moment of passion.

  
_And we roll in the foggy dew   
And dance with the ghosts upon the dawn and on the dawn and on the dawn_

I don't know when I'll go. The last vestiges of her will always linger here but I'm not willing to let go of this place where I found truth, beauty, freedom and love. I will one day.

But not yet.

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To you everything I bestow

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Reviews are always appreciated…


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